I Could Care Less

From now on, if I say "I could care less" about something, it means I care more than you think I do but less than you want me to.

So if I say I could care less about your collection of model trains, it means I do care, because you're my friend and I care about all the things you do, but I don't think it's nearly as important or amazing as you clearly want me to because seriously, they're just really expensive toys for grown-ups.

I could care less about my cousin's third wedding. She obviously thinks it's important enough to invite me to, and I wish nothing but the best for her and her third wife, but I just can't justify the expense of going.

I could care less about my boss's new baby. I genuinely do appreciate him being out of the office for the next six weeks, but it's just not that important.

I could care less if you try to "correct" my use of this phrase. Your smug "correction" will bother me briefly, but then I will link you to this post and be done with the matter. And if you're an arsehole who declares I'm wrong anyway? I couldn't care less.

On My Own Eating Habits

Apparently, my eating habits are so routine at this point that if I go to my local greasery* and order a "barger and frims"** for takeaway, they will know exactly what I want. I confirmed this through experimentation.

*Emphatically a real word, my dude.
**Not actually real words; I just made them up.

Apparently I Am A Primate

So I was in bed last night but sleep was not a thing which was forthcoming. (If it were that easy, I wouldn't include "sleep status" in the vital stats.) Being as a state of blissful dreamy unconsciousness was waylaid (having apparently fallen asleep en route to my bedroom and ended up in hospital after driving into a tree) I found myself doing... whatever. I'm not even sure. It's not easy to pass the time when you're barely coherent and should be asleep.

But pass the time I did, and in the process I somehow managed to do some weird scrunchy contortion thing. And while midtortion* I ended up looking at myself from an unusual perspective. Gaining this new perspective on my body made one revelation unmistakably clear: Yep, I'm a primate alright.

Why I'd even go so far as to say I'm probably an ape of some sort.

Now technically I already knew this was the case. I mean, everyone already knows where humans fit into the whole evolutionary tree thing. But even though we all know it, it's still weird to see it so suddenly when you weren't expecting to. Probably the whole bipedalism thing— your body is literally beneath you most of the time and doesn't bear much thinking about. Then something sort of forces you to take a look and you go: "Why am I, a human brain, stuck in an ape body? Oh wait, that's my body. Also technically it's all me and I should probably stop dismissing it as just a life support system for the real me upstairs."

Now it's right proper morning and the sun is singing and the birds are blooming and I still haven't slept a wink. I'll try again after lunch. My boss is surprisingly lenient about paying me to sleep on the job.

*Absidefinitely** a real word, mateys.

**Not actually a real word. I just made it up because it sounded cool.

Out Of Gas

The gas line in my flat has been shut off. Accordingly, I must eat cold foods.

I've got cute little sandwiches all arranged in a circle for immediate consumption. I would post a picture, but then I would be That Guy who takes pictures of his food. I already am, but there's no need to prove it.

Alas, with the inability to enhotten* anything, I am unable to make tea to accompany the sandwiches. Which is a pity, because my internal clock is telling me that it's teatime and has very little regard for what all the real clocks and/or the sun have to say on the subject.

*Totally a real word, guys.